Pagan pregnancy: The First Trimester

The first trimester throws up all sorts of changes and decisions for the first time mum and being Pagan only adds to this.

I think my first big decision after choosing my attitude to my pregnancy came at 8 weeks.  Samhain revolves around Crone magic which is when the energy of the world is going deep within.  It is also associated with the dead ancestors.  I was invited to attend a group ritual and I really wanted to go but as the ritual got closer I began to get worried about the effect of the energies on the baby.  I wanted to spend time with my friends in the ritual group but I had to think about it really hard.  After quite some time spent trying to find information on Crone energies and pregnancy I was still unsure of the effects.  So, I chose to go with my gut instinct and stay home.  I can socialise with my friends away from ritual but my instincts told me not to go, so I didn't  This decision has actually impacted on the rest of my pregnancy in that it gave me the impetus to go with my instincts over my intellect.  This had been invaluable so far.

The second big decision was actually about my own attitude to telling people I am Pagan.  As you know from my post on meeting the midwife, I jumped in with both feet and told her I am Pagan.  What I didn't tell you was the internal wrestling I did to get to that point.  Now, I'm usually pretty happy to be open about my faith but in this instance I was very nervous.  Thankfully, I have understand friends who let me talk to/at them for hours until I came to my decision and was comfortable.  I think that my worries came from having been discriminated against when I was a classroom assistant.

When I first began working at the school, I had been quiet about being a Pagan.  It wasn't that I didn't want to tell people it was more that it didn't matter to me.  Eventually, I began to be happy to declare myself as Pagan and I didn't see why I shouldn't be open with the school.  This turned out to be a bad idea.  I found myself being sidelined away from the children and given tasks that took me out of the classroom.  This was not what I wanted.  Eventually, I left the school much to my disappointment.  This episode left me wary of telling people I didn't know really well and trust not to react badly.

However, with the baby I had to make a new choice.  How can I teach my child about being Pagan and being proud to be who are if I'm not willing to stand up and be counted as it were.  So after some serious soul searching, I realised that I was putting up a barrier to protect myself.  If I didn't want to teach my child (or children) to do the same I had to change.  I will be honest and say telling the midwife caused me several panicked moments but I feel stronger for having done so.  Had my midwife been different and more confrontational it might have been a different story but I still feel that I would have been stronger.  In fact, knowing my stubborn streak I would probably have been a lot more forward about it whether it was detrimental to me or not.

So, my first trimester has taught me that I really do trust my instincts and that I can be more open about being Pagan.  I wonder what the second trimester will bring for me.